Idiosyncrasies

Being on TV for something I don't exactly what to be on TV for? So vote for me anyway haha!

Hi guys!

   

   

Looks like I've gotten myself into yet another pickle. Haha. Long story short, I ended up being chosen as one of 10 contestants in a reality tv show that will be aired on abs-cbn. Look out for the Del Monte Fit n Right Got to be Fit Challenge 2008.It's going to be a mix of PBB, Survivor, and Biggest Loser (according to them...though I think BiggestLoser sums it up. Haha).

   

   

The pilot episode will be this Saturday Feb 23, around 9:30PM or so. I'll be taken to boot camp starting this Monday though...and I'll be there 'till March. Thing is, may text votes nanaman (gaaaah!). Help me out please? I'd like to win...para worth it naman! Especially after they made me show flaaab which they probably will air on national tv. (ugh. what did i get myself into....)

 

 

 

I must admit, this is probably the hardest thing I'll ever have to do (or face) in my entire life. I mean, what a contrast right? A fit but fat person? LOL. This has made me realize that I was actually quite happy with myself before. In fact, I have never really felt I was that "fat" as I could do things physically fit people do (soccer, 15k runs and headstands require a certain level of physical fitness right?).   

   

   

   

After being included here I've been receiving comments I've never really gotten before. Things like,  "Oh you're so pretty...May bf ka? Ah wala? Ah you're fat kasi. You'll get one after this!" Words cannot begin to express my disdain for that fallacy (and though i can think of a litany of ways to expose the flaws in that statement, i can actually keep it short by saying, hello... it's by choice! Haha!) Anyway, after being subjected to this, the more amped I am to walk around in these 'shoes', get the feel of them...and see things from this perspective.

 

 

 

nothing! See you in a month or so! (Unless I'm eliminated early! haha)

Each of us are there for different reasons, the story they focused on for me is that I’m a yoga teacher but due to an injury ridden year (last year), I gained a lot of weight. My spin on it was that even though I’m an instructor, I’m still human – I get sick, I get injured, and I gain weight. Of course I'd like to get back in shape since I want to be a good example for my students, and this is a pretty good way to kick my ass into high gear (pressure of national tv sure hits the spot haha).

 

 

 

 

This was one of the MOST mortifying things I've EVER gotten myself into. Apparently, I didn't appear chubby enough on camera from some angles (cameras can be your best friend or your worst enemy)... soooo... they made me appear even bigger (like I need help with that? just gimme chocolate! hahaha!) by making me drink sooo much water, eat a looot, and they made me wear extra tight clothes so that I’d have bulges everywhere. They wanted a convincing ‘before’ shot. I think it was darn convincing! Thing is they will probably post that everywhere. Ugh. Lord help me.

 

 

 

 

So you're probably wondering why I got myself into that if I don't want to be on TV for that anyway...well... I had this resolution a long time ago that I've been successful at keeping so far. And I won't let this ruin my track record. Basically, if something makes me hesitant, or makes me afraid... I must find a way to face it. Geez. Why'd it have to be this, huh? Hahah! Besides, I gotta represent my part of the population... so here goes

 

 

 

Enjoying chocolate and pasta whilst I can,

Joanne

Evolution - from sir to ma'am. Sort of.

Just wanted to look at the lighter, funnier side of life... (That and I popped by my mom's office to say hi, only to find out she took a leave and so I'm sitting here bored outta my mind)

 

Several haircuts ago, back when my hair was oooh so short, I would always be mistaken for a 'sir'. Especially when playing football.

 

Things improved when I put a little effort into being girly (what else could I do to buy time? My hair couldn't grow like weeds!)... and Ayen's officemates mistook me for her lesbo lover (wrote about that too http://futbolera.blogs.friendster.com/joanne/2006/07/index.html). Sigh. Well, at least it wasn't 'sir' any longer, right?

 

Several hair lengths longer now... Finally, I think I've made the transition. No longer do I need huge-ass earrings just to stop waiters and cashiers from addressing me as 'sir'. NOpe, now I wear huge-ass earrings because they actually go with what I'm wearing. Haha.

 

 

Tracing that...so I went from sir... to man-role in this pseudo lesbo relationship thought up by Ayen's officemates. Now, I'm definitely the girl! Wahoo! Not just because my friend Irene has short hair (and some people do mistake us for lesbos...BUT at least now I'm the GIRL!)

   

 

Hmm what else... another funny thing happened...went to a friend's Christmas party, a few days after a friend told me someone was sort of crushing on me. Flattered, I asked who... the catch? Twas a woman... a somewhat butch woman. But my point is, I was girly!!! Haha. I"m obviously bored. Leave me to my musing.

 

 

Evolution is truly a thing of wonder. So hopefully next time I'll totally leave the 'lesbo' grid and really be a 'girl'.... and if anyone makes the mistake of calling me a dude ever again I will soooo.... argggh... !

 

Okaaaay lunchtime, I'm outta here!!!

Taming the Cat(walk)

When Greenhills Club Coordinator Peewee asked if I wanted to model fitness attire during the Greenhills Anniv/Grand Cycling Marathon, I said yes thinking we'd just walk around the venue so bystanders can see the clothes available at the booth.

 

 

When I got to Greenhills for rehearsals/fitting, I discovered several things that sent me into a tailspin...

 

Muy terrible realization #1:  that it was a FASHION SHOW, and I'd actually have to WALK - not just walk-walk, WALK girly. The couldn't have chosen a worse candidate! Luckily, I wasn't in it alone, Irene was there and we both walk the same way. harhar!

 

 

Que horror realization #2: it wasn't just walking...we'd have to pose sexy and 'seduce' our  male  partners. Again, wrong person...I can't even flirt to save my life!

 

 

Que barbaridad realization #3 (as if things couldn't get any worse): during the last part, we'd be clad in bikinis. My jaw dropped open as the letters P-A-N-I-C flashed in my mind in bright bold red letters (complete with siren sound effects, mind you. I still think prod somehow, thankyouverymuch!).

 

 

To solve muy terrible realization #1, Irene and I were taught how to walk like models (kuno). The coach had to set her knee up on Irene's back and pull on her shoulders hard so that she'd get the feeling of how straight she was supposed to be. Chin up, shoulders steady, chest out, arms and hips swaying as you try to walk in a straight line (one foot in front of the other). Gawd that was one of the hardest things I've had to do this year. I didn't know where to put my butt and hips. Hahaha! Talk about awkward! I'd rather hold the warrior II pose than walk that way. Geez, come to think of it I'd rather do sprint drills than walk like that! But still, twas an experience.

 

 

Getting over que horror realization #2 was tougher. Good thing the Lord does not give challenges He thinks we cannot handle. Lucky for me, my partner was gay. Obviously, I’m comfy around gay men so that was a big help. He came up with how I’d move and what I’d do to him (since I wasn’t much help with coming up with sexy moves hahaha). Here’s what he came up with: I’d do some sexy body wave and slap my butt (ewww) and give him a come hither look. When we got to the edge of the stage, he’d pull me closer by my hips and I was supposed to run my hands down his body and push  him away by the time I got to his hips.

 

 

Lastly, que barbaridad realization #3 - And I was supposed to do the abovementioned while I was in a bikini, and he was in trunks. Putik!! Pass the tequila!!! We were told that we would be covered in body paint and nobody would recognize us, so that made us feel okay with the whole idea. But when the fateful day rolled in, we discovered we wouldn’t even be covered in body paint! They used acrylic paint to draw some little symbol on our cheeks and some flowers across the waist. That was it. Meeehhhnnn. Sure, like no one would recognize us huh? If only people were really that blind, as blind as those in the Superhero comic books and tv shows (couldn’t they tell that Clark Kent and superman looked alike?!)

 

 

 

That night, we were supposed to start by 8:30pm and finish in ten minutes or so. But noooo, we started at 11:00pm. The long wait took its toll on Irene (she gets grumpy when she's sleepy) - she was pouting since she had a 6:30am class in Greenhills the very next day (the girl lives in Bambang, Manila. One can’t blame her for feeling that way). Luckily, being made up and dabbed with bronzers and other shiny shimmery stuff seemed to cheer her up and she was in a lighter mood after a few hours.

 

 

Things didn’t exactly go according to plan, but one must always be prepared for Murphy when he chooses to strike. But I think things turned out great. At least I didn’t get into the Carrie (Sex and the City) moment when she did a face-plant on the catwalk.

 

 

The only downer was that someone stole my outfit. I felt really bad about that. Our ‘talent fee’ was that we would get to keep a halter top and white pants. Perfect for yoga class. I laid mine down beside my bag. I did a 180-degree turn to face my locker to get a plastic bag to put it in. When I faced my things again, my clothes were gone. So was the other bag on the far end of the bench. The vexing thing is…I know who the bag belonged to. And she had been getting on our nerves the entire night (if I put everything here it would be a very, very long entry). I didn’t want to accuse so I kept quiet. But she was the only other one around, and she was the only one who left in a hurry. What was I supposed to think? Sigh. So much for keepsakes.

 

 

In retrospect, at least I can walk a bit more girly now. But it still requires gargantuan effort.

 

 

Oh and one more thing that really, really made me smile: friends who came all the way to Greenhills to see me and Irene in our several minutes of ultimate femininity (teeheehee). Hans and Inno stayed with us the whole time, and Chichi  (who was already resting at home in Guadalupe) managed to make it by the time we started - and that was already pretty late. Josh on the other hand (who goes home all the way to Rizal!) showed up too, and even though he missed our part, it was great to know that he went there and hung out with us afterwards (even though he received a call from the office). I love you guys, you're the best ;)

two left feet

I've always had two left feet. I started attending this dance class called body jam (in the gym) because I wanted to improve my footwork and coordination for football (yes I'm starting to realize just how much football affects my decisions...but somehow I get so caught up in the challenges these new activities pose  that I end up forgetting it was football that got me into them in the first place!)

The class became such a challenge. I wanted to know I could do it (leave the grace out of it, I just wanted to know there was a chance that I could participate and not make a complete and total fool of myself). It was my chance to face my fears and work on what I know I suck at.  Since Body Jam involves choreography that is repeated over a span of four weeks or so... you have time to get the hang of the moves... so it kinda feels like you're a work in progress. It's quite comforting, actually.

The funny thing is, I have more fun on the gym dance floor than the club dance floor - perhaps it's because dancing in the club is supposed to be a fun way of expressing yourself (and since I don't really know the 'moves' I'd rather stick to something choreographed haha).

Okay so dancing has always been my waterloo (just like math - but at least being bad at math had no effect on my 'femininity') and although I'd always be asked to sing at school assemblies in the past, I wondered what it would feel like to be invited to dance for a change. I dunno if I should have wished for that...

Tita Lorna recently asked some people (including me) to to help out with her campaign by dancing. She asked well-known, well-loved jam instructors to help her out. And then there's me who's none of the above (I do balance, not jam, and gosh I think I stick out like a sore thumb).

We practiced one track with different blocking and aside from having to reverse what I know (instructors lead with the left foot, whereas participants start with the right)... I realized not only did I still suck bigtime... I'm still not feminine. Oh boy.

The number opens with all the girls (Macel, Joella and me) walking, pivoting and making pa-cute. Joella and Macel are VERY graceful and they know how to strut their stuff. I, on the other hand, do not. Even Jeff (who teaches combat aside from Jam) is more graceful than I will ever be. And his grace is macho. I'm just..well...macho-stiff. Heck, I'd settle for graceful macho, sure why not?

Mental note 1: knowing the moves won't make you graceful. knowing the moves just assures you of not bumping into the person next to you...provided they know what they're doing, too.

Mental note 2: ah... now I remember why I love football... it doesn't matter that I'm not feminine, and bumping into others is good if you can make them fly! (which I used to do very well...hehe.)

Sir Arnold was trying to help me by giving me tips to guide my movement... "Feel like you're walking with heels..."

Mental note 3: look for heels and start wearing them again (I remember Raven and Kenn staring at my slippers, saying, "THAT's what you wore to work?!")

Mental note 4: Thank goodness everyone's patient and nice.

Mental note 5: Perhaps I've been wired for male roles! Hahaha. Back in the all-girls-school-days, in ballroom dancing class, I'd always be assigned the boy parts... I was *never* the girl...

Jace demonstrated what I was doing... meeehn. I'm like... one notch down from Ian's macho dancing daw.  At least Ian's a boy!!! I have a LOT of work to do. Lord help *me*.

Oh wait. Jace said he'd help me out with the being graceful bit...

Lord help *him*

Hahaha.

ready, fire, AIM!

im amazed at life.

im overjoyed to bear witness to new love unfolding from old friendships.

im sorry to behold old loves (and some new ones) falling spectacularly apart.

there's drama in everyday life... no matter how boring you think things are.

im excited about the future's uncertainties, and afraid of them at the same time

i want to hold on to the perfect moments of the past,

but not have to repeat them, because they arleady turned out beautifully.

if i could just freeze frame at the emotions i felt at the time, and bask in them, that would be enough (im able to do that when i hear songs or watch movies that remind me of those moments...they allow me to feel the way i did all over again)

but all these remind me that life just keeps going

the wheels keep turning...

and although i want to yell, "Stop world, i'm getting off!"

or, in the language of my childhood..."Time first!"

i can't really do that.

i have to keep up or be left behind.

there's an adventure up ahead...

i know i've lingered (in this state) too long because...

instead of wanting to dive in head-first...

instead of being tickled pink and being so excited about it that i can't sleep...

i'm hesitant.

waaay to hesitant.

i don't want to move...

...but at the same time, I DO.

hell.

what now?

i know it's good for me, yet i hesitate.

i hesitate because i know these things come at a price...

so with eyes closed...

one foot forward...

READY...FIRE...AIM!!!

bahala na si batman.

temptation. hahaha.

Temptation Island. This is now my favorite Filipino film! Thank you Kenn for 'educating' us ;)

 

This film was produced as a serious sexy-drama type movie but it's sooo BAD (the acting, the shots, the continuity is horrible - you see the emcee on the stage AND in the audience as an extra) that it's, well, good. Think kistch.

 

 

Directed by Joey Gosiengfiao in 1981, stars Dina Bonnevie and beauty queens Bambi Arambulo, Azenith Briones, Jennifer Cortez, and Deborah Sun. Four girls with different lifestyles join the Miss Manila Sunshine pageant and make it into the finals, wherein they will be observed for a month(?!) before a winner is decided upon. Observation period is on board a classy yacht witch catches fire and the ladies, along with hunky leading men, are marooned on an island... and from there on, it's bitchdom (and ka-barokan, and really bad acting) at its finest.

 

 

I'd loooove to meet whoever wrote the script! It's so darn funny, was laughing my eyeballs out the entire time (Kenn's trivia and commentaries really helped, too).

 

 

Here are some quotes from the movie... I liked it so much  that I researched pa for the quotes! Hahahaha! Got it from another blog but I lost the url so I'll post it when I find it. In the meantime....read!

 

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Suzanne (to Maria, her maid, who is applying sun-tan lotion): Careful! Careful now! Huwag mong masyadong idiin at baka masira ang beauty ng complexion ko. Alam mo naman, ang hirap hirap ma-achieve ang golden tan!

 

-----

 

Suzanne (after tripping Bambi--on purpose): Sorry ha, di kita napansin.

Bambi: Bakit? Nalula ka ba sa aking towering height? It must be your failing eyesight.

Suzanne: Excuse me! 20-20 yata ang vision ko!

Bambi: Ay sori ha, I thought it is your bustline. So it must have been my fault after all, bitch!

Suzanne: Double bitch!!!

Joshua (the flamboyant gay organizer): Rub-a-dub-dub, two bitches in a tub!

 

------

 

Azenith (trying to seduce Alfie Anido upon their first meeting): Im a crook, a damn good crook, and i can tell by your big brown eyes that you're a crook too!

 

----

 

Bambi: *whining about missing her mother*

Suzanne: I have no time for middle-class sentiments!

 

-----

 

Joshua: *whining about how difficult it is to build a grass hut)

Suzzane: I have no carpenter complex so i dont know what you are talking about.

 

-----

 

Suzanne: *bitching to Azenith whom she caught sleeping with the waiter*

Azenith: Nanganganib na nga buhay natin, pabitch-bitch ka pa diyan!

Suzanne: What are bitches for, but to bitch around their fellow bitches!

 

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Ricky: Hindi tyo makakahuli ng isda ng ganito! Kailangan ng isang mistulang lambat!

Maria: Bakit di na lang natin gamitin ang panty natin?

Suzanne:Hoy maria! Huwag ka ngang boba! Gamitin mo ang panty mo kung gusto mo!

Maria: Eh ma'am, mas maraming panty mas maraming isda!

Suzanne: Gaga!Gamitin nyo na ang mga panty nyo, but my panty stays right where it is!!!

 

-----

 

Suzanne: Ang sabihin mo, mahilig ka lang tlaga sa mga laborers, those poor proletariat, indigent men.

-----

 

Azenith (looking into the man's eyes): Alam ko ang iniisip mo.

*she kisses him*

Azenith: Tama ba?

 

-----

 

Azenith (supposedly weak from hunger and thirst): Ang sabi nila, ang pag-ibig ay pagkain din...halika, mahalin mo ako...

 

-----

 

Azenith (everyone is desperately hungry and weak since they have not eaten in days): Wala tayong pagkain, wala ding tubig, bakit di na lang tyo mag sayawan?

*and so they dance, Bambi slaps Suzanne, they end up in a catfight that Maria and Dina try to stop. Azenith just keeps on dancing right smack in the middle*

 

-----

 

Azenith (while everyone is *seriously* praying while eating the barbecued flesh of a deceased Joshua so they can survive): Kumanta kaya tayo para mas madali natin malunok?

*and so they sing Barbara Streisand's Somewhere.... yes, even the boys sing along*

 

-----

 

There's also a quote about Joshua not liking Bambi since she doesn't belong to the "upper upper of the upper upper" crust or something.... but hey if I put ALL the funny lines you won't have anything more to look forward to (come to think of it there are still a LOT hehehe)

Watch it!!!

holding hands while walking

I couldn't contain my excitement. I wanted to cry, laugh and take pictures... but I didn't want to ruin the moment, and risk having it not happen ever again, now could I?

   

It was the first time I ever saw my parents holding hands while walking. Oh wait, scratch the while walking, it was the first time I EVER saw them holding hands period (excluding singing the Our Father in church)

   

I had this silly smile plastered to my face the entire night, and mom couldn't help but laugh at my reaction (my chinky eyes went as wide as they possibly could and my jaw dropped for...like... a full minute before I noticed).

 

I know this is no big deal for other people, they even have to tell their parents to "get a room"... but for me... oh my gosh it was undoubtedly one of the highlights of my life so far. Y'know... when you get this warm fuzzy feeling inside you and it just has to get out somehow...

   

For those of you who have met my parents and really know them... I'm sure you share my excitement and are getting just as kilig as I did. For those of you who don't  know them (or me for that matter)... erm...  why are you reading this again? Hahaha. Anyway, my  mom is one of the warmest people you will ever meet... plus she has this really fun kalog side. My dad is her exact opposite. He's reserved, serious, and is NOT expressive or affectionate (but he shows he cares in other ways of course). They met in college and their love story reminds me of a fairy-tale or  perhaps a movie plot... but the thing is, they aren't showy, not at home and especially not in public...

   

... and seeing them holding hands while walking, completely oblivious to what they were actually doing... was magical.

   

For me anyway.

Too much of a good thing

Seemingly healthy addictions...are still, well, addictions. I thought being addicted to physical activity was a pretty good thing - I'd even train using this mantra:   

 

 

"Impossible is nothing. Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in a world that they have been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible is not a fact. It's an opinion. Impossible is not a decleration. It's a dare. Impossible is potential. Impossible is temporary. Impossible is nothing"
      - Adidas "Impossible is Nothing" campaign

 

 

Now if THAT doesn't get you to push yourself, I don't know what will (hmm, except of course for cringe energy, that always works)

 

 

Anyways, I've been sick since the weekend... and it's already Thursday! Geez! I haven't had  ANY physical activity in six days (unless you count getting out of bed to turn the TV on and maybe get the remote control)! I'm about to go mad, I tell you! It seems the more days I go without any physical activity, the more cups of hot chocolate I drink - the  more lampa I feel (read: I can feel the pounds piling on hahaha!). My fever has gone down, my cough and colds are starting to go away, and although I should feel better, it's quite the opposite. I feel soooo...lethargic. It just kills me to see that it's sunny outside, I don't have work, and yet I can't go into the yard and spend some quality time with my Dano (that's the name Grace and Patty gave my ball).

   

I dread getting sick because the longer you stay down, the harder you'll have to work when you get back. Stamina decreases in as little as a week's inactivity. That's one of the worst thoughts when you're sick: knowing you'll have to start from scratch (or near it) when you're all better. I've been through that a lot, and believe-you-me, it is torture. It sucks to know you were already nearing your peak (or maybe even at your peak) and then all of a sudden, you're back to gasping for breath less than two minutes into your routine. This is why I remember hating long breaks back in college: the stamina level I had worked so hard to attain in, say, a month, would be gone in as little as a week's worth of dvd marathons. But then again, I don't train as hard any longer... (I miss it though) 

I never gave it much thought before, now I realize that there is some truth to it - that yes, you can get addicted to your exercise habits. I decided to look it up and see if I was a candidate for such an addiction...

 

Getting High on Exercise

by Sueann Allen

 

Do you find that your moods vary according to your exercise intensity?  Is your workout your first priority, even at the expense of other events in your life?  Do you work out more than once daily, even if injured?

 

If you can answer yes to these questions, you are one of many addicted to exercise.

 

 

Is exercise an addiction?  According to most research the answer is a resounding yes!  Research suggests that those who pursue intense, high-endurance sports, such as running, cycling and swimming, exert intensive stress on their bodies.  In response to this stress they produce addictive substances called Beta-endorphins.

 

 

Endorphins are hormones secreted by the pituitary gland in response to physical stress.  These hormones are known to block pain, decrease appetite, decrease anxiety and induce feelings of euphoria.

 

 

Does this sound familiar?  It should.  Endorphins are chemically related to the drug morphine.  Morphine is extremely addicting.  Morphine is a drug that relieves pain and produces euphoric feelings.  "Endorphin" actually means "endogenous morphine."  Endorphins and morphine both bind to the same chemical receptors in the brain and produce similar responses.

 

 

During a long run, some runners gradually lose the ability to feel pain and experience a thrill as their bodies are filled with exhilarating energy.  This is called a "runner's high."  Some believe "runner's high" is caused by the surge of endorphins distance runners feel during a difficult workout.

 

 

Research shows that the better physically fit an athlete, the more receptive the athlete is to endorphins.  And as intensity and duration of exercise increase, the concentration of endorphins released also increases ¹.  This has two side effects; the athlete experiences increased exposure to endorphins and becomes more addicted, and the athlete can train harder because of the higher pain tolerance and the increased energy granted by the endorphins.

 

Apart from athletic research, is there any other supporting evidence for this theory?  Yes.  Researchers found that when Beta-endorphins are injected into depressed patients, their moods improve¹.  This indicates that endorphins enhance mood may be responsible for an athlete's elevated mood during and after a workout.

 

 

There are those unconvinced of the theory linking endorphin release to the feelings of pleasure from exercise.  These people argue that many people experience the same feelings of euphoria from exercises such as meditation and yoga.  Neither of these exercises physically stresses the body enough to produce an endorphin release.  This leads many to believe that the endorphin theory is false.

 

 

Those who have participated in intense physically exerting sports will admit to the feelings of euphoria, increased pain tolerance and decreased appetite that accompany this exercise.  They will usually admit to feeling addicted to their sport.  Most of these athletes readily accept the addiction theory because they have experienced its effects first-hand.  Although more research is in order to confirm that endorphins are responsible for these effects, there is strong evidence to suggest that exercise addicts are truly, physically addicted to their exercise.

   

Hmm... come to think of it, what coach said (back in college) was true: we tend to get sick when we skip training, when we don't play... and we're at our best when we train regularly.

 

Allen's article shows the good side, but this one  is just plain freaky - the premise being exercise addiction in women is linked to manic depression. 

   

... oh well, at least I'm not manic. Whew.

 

... I can't wait to get back on track.

   

... I miss football. And Dano misses my long shots, I'm sure.

 

Exhaustion works

Once you get past the "i feel so weak phase", you need to move - like it or not. All that energy - I call it cringe energy: the kind that is fueled by "No way! How?! You've gotta be kidding me!" thoughts - somehow gives you a burst of power that makes your heart beat faster and your cheeks burn. When you're at that point, it's a whole lot easier to do something that you would normally deem ooooh-so-tough.  So all that energy that appears out of 'nowhere'  - has to go 'somewhere' -  like it or not.

 

 

But...luckily, I like ;)

 

So I spin, dance and heft my troubles away - doing as much as I can so that my negative thoughts will be too tired to keep up with me. Exhaustion works. And when you go home at night, you sleep like a baby. It's great. You won't bother analyzing something (you've already thought of,  'fixed' and 'closed'  like a million times) when you're deadbeat tired. I mean, once you've consciously understood something, it still takes a while for the rest of you to believe it. The "Eureka!" feeling takes a while to kick in, after all. So you just have to go with the flow and let time work it's agonizingly slow magic.

 

Speaking of exhaustion...Getting to the point of exhaustion is also quite interesting. You're expending so much energy you don't have time to think of anything else. It's kinda like learning to do a headstand... you concentrate on putting your weight on your hands and head as you tuck your knees onto your arms... when you slowly lift off from the tripod, you have to concentrate so much at extending your legs and keeping yourself balanced that, if, at any point, you should start to feel afraid, think of other thoughts, or, by golly, get distracted by the cute but oh-so-gay guy wondering what in Heaven's name you're trying to accomplish - you will fall over.

 

No matter what you're doing, you have to put your mind to it, so you can unleash the gargantuan effort that lets you keep up. Now I know why the coach advised me not to listen to music while running. You have to get to the point wherein you channel all your thoughts into that one particular movement. You're so focused that you hear nothing but your own breathing. Once you're able think of other things, then you know you're not giving it your all. If you can think of how tired  you are, if you have the energy to complain, when you start thinking of what you'd rather be doing, and when  you start looking at your watch...then you're definitely out of it. You're not giving 100% any longer.

 

Getting to that point is tough, and staying there is even tougher. So why then, do so many people repeatedly try to reach it? Because they want to -- no, because the need to know they can. Because it is a challenge that must be conquered. Because you need to see what happens when you get past that point. Getting there requires concentration that robs you of thinking negatively. You need positivity to keep moving. You need positivity to keep doing.

You need positivity to get back up when you've been hit.

... So go ahead,  hit me with your best shot!

Help Me Out God

Help Me Out God

Help me out God I need a little something
Turn the brights on I can't see where we're going
Cause I don't know when things'll work out just fine
Or if this road we're on leads us up
Or is leading me on down to my wishing well
Where I might drown oh I might drown
Cause I can't swim without you God

 

 

Help me out God I need a little something
Hold my hand so I know that I'm not falling down
Or spinning round or am I really just fine
Is this vertigo I feel just simply fear or maybe real
It's a long way down and I might fall and I might fall
Cause I can't stand without you God

Help me out God I need a little something
Just enough so I don't lose hope before morning comes
Cause in the sun things'll work out just fine
But this night's been extra long I fear I won't make it to the Dawn
Cause the night is dark and I might doubt and I might doubt
Cause I can't hope without you God

 

Just enough for today get me through 'til tomorrow

-----------------------------

Here's another one that's keeping me going:

"A Warrior of Light knows that certain moments repeat themselves.

He often finds himself faced by the same problems and situations, and seeing these difficult situations return, he grows depressed, thinking that he is incapable of making any progress in life.

“I’ve been through all this before,” he says to his heart.

“Yes, you have been through all this before,” replies his heart. “But you have never been beyond it.”

Then the Warrior realizes that these repeated experiences have but one aim: to teach him what he does not want to learn.”

- from Paulo Coelho's Warrior of the Light

Sigh. No kidding. I thought I had already learned... and I did... but true enough, I have not been beyond it.